What if Your Soul Wants This Experience?

What if the dream won't leave you alone because you're meant to have the experience?

In this episode, I share how returning to acting after years away taught me a powerful lesson about confidence, timing, and trusting what keeps calling you forward. If you've been feeling stuck, discouraged, or afraid to go after something you really want, this episode is for you. Maybe the goal isn't just the destination—maybe your soul wants the journey, too. 

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Transcript

0:00

Hi, and welcome to It's Not That Serious, Even When It Is. I am your host, Mary McDonald. I am a coach and use human design as a tool to see my clients deeply and guide them to a more joy-led and embodied life. On this podcast, we will have deep conversations and some giggles because life can't be so serious all the time. Hello, and welcome to today's episode. I'm gonna be talking about a little reframe to help you, um, to help you, mm, dive into, like, the things that you actually wanna do. Like, to not be so scared to do the things that you want to do. And I'm going to start with a little bit of a story. So I don't think I've talked too much about this, but, um, basically my whole life, whether people knew it or didn't know it, I guess, I wanted to be an actor. And I wanted to perform, and, like, my dream has always been, like, working with like Steve Carell and Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph and, um, Molly Shannon. Oh my God, Molly Shannon. Um, just, like, I have always thought to myself, like, "I bet they have so much fucking fun." I... Like, I want that. Like, I, I just want my job every day to be being a silly little goose, doing silly little shit, and then being like, "This is a story," and th- we're just playing around. Um, so when I moved to LA, I actually didn't tell Bryce this for like, I don't know, like six months, 'cause I was embarrassed 'cause I just felt like, "Ugh, sounds stupid." Like, I'm just like everybody else, like wanting to be an actor. Like, oh. And I actually had some pretty terrible experiences. Um, I went to... First off, I went to this Actors, like, Boot Camp, and I don't really... That might have been the name of the studio where I took classes I don't remember. Um, anyway, so I started there, and it was actually pretty good. Um, it was pretty good. It was in North Hollywood. Uh, and the classes were really small, and I felt like, like during that period of time... I mean, it's been so long. Um, but during that period of time, I felt like I really... There were times when I was in a class where I would, like, really drop into a character, and there's nothing like... It's like a drug. It's like there's nothing like dropping into a character and just like all of a sudden, like, being that person. And so it's like you get these little hits of dopamine where you're like, "Oh my gosh, that was like so much fun." Um, so I did that for a little while. I had an encounter with a teacher there who was, like, super shitty, which, like, he like... Oh man, he like yelled at me in a class about how he thought that I was, like, self-sabotaging, um, and that I would never be successful and, you know, did I really even want this? And so I pretty much was like, "Okay, um, I won't be taking classes here anymore." And then I started taking privates with someone who's lovely, and it... That was a really great experience. Um, and then, then along the way, I took, um, what do you call it? Um, improv classes. So I took some at UCB. Um, I took some at The Groundlings. Um, I found my home at Second City. It was actually the first place in LA where I f- really felt like I found my first friends. Um, and I really felt like when I walked into the room, I was like, "Oh my God, these are my people." And even though I was, I was so shy and so scared, you guys, like so shy and so scared, but I would still have these, like, glimmers of, I would still have these glimmers of like, "Oh, this is just so much fun." And when I would tap in and, like, really not be s- self-conscious and, um, I just really could, like, kind of feel my way through that environment, it was just like it was the best. Um, so yeah, acting has been a part of my life for a long time, and then I started writing and, um, I wrote a screenplay and then some stuff kind of fell through with the funding on that and whatever. Suffice it to say that, like, it was just a really fun time in my life. However, I would go to auditions all the time, and I would just, like, freeze up, and I would be really hard on myself about it, and I would have, like- Just now I understand it as like I would know what everybody else wanted from me in an audition room, and I couldn't be present enough or grounded enough to deliver that. And because I, like, knew what they wanted, I was so in my head about auditioning and so in my head about, like, um Oh, what's a good word? I was really in my head about, you know, just what they would think of me. So I could not, like, drop into a character very well in an audition. So it's like I only booked a couple of things over the span of, like, uh, many years. So, um, also, I wrote a one-woman show, and maybe I'll do a whole episode about that because that was, like, so much fun. That was so much fun. Um, learned a lot through that too. But anyway, suffice it to say that, like, I could not be like... I couldn't ground myself, and, like, I wanted this so bad. I wanted it so bad, and I wanted it to work out so bad. And, like, I'm telling you, like, I would go to work really early in the morning, and then I... after work I would, you know, drive 45 minutes into Hollywood. And, and then I would take a three-hour class, and, like, I would do this a couple of times a week, and I'd just, like, bang my head up against the wall trying to be successful at this thing. And the whole thing, the whole rug-a-rim-a-mound, rim-a-round, rug... I don't know. There's, like, some saying in there. Run around? I don't know. Whatever. The whole thing is that, like, I just really had not learned who I was yet. All I knew is that it felt good to perform. Like, I grew up dancing and stuff, so, like, I... it felt good to, in my body and for my soul to just, like, perform. And just, it just, I don't know. When you're into, like, arts, you're just like, it's in your soul. I don't know. It sounds so freaking cheesy. But I guess, like, you know, the podcast is a little bit like that for me, where it's like I g- I just, like, really like having this experience. So suffice it to say, like, I, I set all of that down for a long time, um, especially when we started on the fertility journey stuff, like, three years ago, and that was really difficult. And, um, I just... Yeah, I just, I knew I was gonna get back to it. I just didn't know when, and so I had to really just trust myself in that. I had to trust that, like, this is a dream that I want, and I, I'll, like, get to it at some point. Just because I set it down right now doesn't really... it's not saying anything about me. It's just saying that, like, now is not the time. I really wanna focus on the fertility stuff. Okay. So then we fast-forward, and, like, I totally focus on the fertility stuff, like, super hard. And I lost sight of just kind of- Well, you guys can go back and listen to that episode about being the strong one. I just kinda lost sight of like what I really wanted, and I had felt like so much failure at that point, especially with ferti- fertility. Like, I felt like I was failing at fertility. I was failing at... Like, I'd never got any of the acting stuff done before I, like, became a mom. I mean, I'm not a mom yet, but like, I, which was like always, it's always this weird pressure of like, at least the pressure I put on myself was like, "You have to accomplish this before you have kids," or like, "You're never gonna be able to do it," because it's like this really fun thing that people like to project on, project on you who have kids. And I don't have kids yet, so I don't really know that I can comment on that at all. Um, so it, it was just really... And then I had like a couple other businesses that like failed during this time as I was like, you know, wanting to, um, have a successful business, but I couldn't. You know, it was like everything felt like pushing a boulder up Mount Everest, and it just felt like over and over and over again, I was just failing and failing and failing and failing and failing. And like, I was frustrated by that clearly because, um, when you're just failing over and over again, you d- you're not like, "And that, now I've learned another lesson, and that was fun. Like, really, I, I love learning lessons." You're like, at the end of it, you're like, "Okay, I'm think I'm set on those. Would like to not fail anymore." So I went on this journey, and I learned so much about myself through my human design and through the different coaches that I've worked with. And I have, uh, they call it, like, the manifestor urge. Like, as a manifestor in human design, I follow urges. So, like, I... But you don't catch what the urge is unless you're kind of quiet with yourself and, like, super in touch with yourself. So I, um, I had not been following my urges until, um and I mentioned this in my first episode about, like, ways to have joy, until my HOA was, like, shitty. And then I created this character who was, like, on the board of the HOA, and, um, I grabbed a wig, and I just started creating sketches. So I started kind of, like, having this joy and this fun in acting and creating and kind of being an artist in my own way. And, um, saying, saying being an artist sounds so, like, serious. Um, but it wasn't serious. I was just literally having fun. Um, so I started to have this, like, little nuggets of myself and my comedy, like, kinda come back to me. And anyway, life doesn't ever pan out the way that you think it's going to. So anyway, I s- I decided to start this podcast, oh, I had been thinking about it a little bit last year, but like I said, last year was really heavy, so I just didn't have the bandwidth mentally to do it. So I did not push myself to do it because what I've learned is that, like, the har- when I'm in a season where I feel like I have to push, push, push, like, it's actually, I'm not successful, and I feel like shit, and I'm, like, out of alignment. And like, yeah, there are seasons where you have to push to, like, finish a thing, but it's not like, it doesn't feel like pushing a boulder up Mount Everest. What it feels like is, like, one of those workout balls, and you're just, like, pushing it along, and you're like, "This guy, we're just, like, going on a ride together." It doesn't feel hard. It just feels like, oh, I'm on the right path and I'm gonna, like, do the thing. So, um, when I decided to do this podcast, I had this kind of intuitive ping of, oh, when I start doing the podcast, at some point I'm going to... Excuse me I thought when I start doing this podcast, I'm going to, um, I'm gonna get some acting work. Like, I think I'll start acting again, but not, like, from this place of I'm gonna force that to happen, and then I'm going to try to control everything, and I will go after as many auditions as possible. Um, not from that perspective at all. I just was like, I don't know. I have this feeling that, like, once I start the podcast, my voice is gonna get stronger, and there's gonna be things that I say, and, like, it's gonna grow my confidence even more as a person, as a human. And, um, fast-forward, it did. I'm having the time of my life just yapping with you guys. So my confidence came in. My voice came online. I feel like I'm saying all the things that I wanna say without being worried about what anybody thinks or is perceiving 'cause, like, you can tune into this or not tune into this. I don't know if you know. Um, but you have a choice here. So I, uh, I just, I just had this feeling. So I'm on this call with m- one of my mentors, Deanna, um, and dang it, I, if I... Deanna, if you're listening, I, if I remembered your Instagram handle, I'd have everybody go follow you. I'll put it in the notes, so, so I'll look it up. Anyway, so I was on the phone with my friend Deanna, who's also one of my mentors. She's fantastic. You'll... I'll put her handle in the show notes. Anyway, and I said, "Deanna," I was like, "Hey, I think I'm gonna get acting work. I don't know how or why I even feel like this." I was just like, "I just think, think that's gonna happen with the podcast energetically," not because, like... I don't know. I was just like, "That's just gonna happen." I kid you not, two minutes later, I get a text about an acting job. And mind you, it's, like, not this, not, like, a huge deal or anything, but, like, I get a text, and I'm out of town, so I was like, "Oh, I can't do it," you know, whatever. So then I get back into town, and I get a text again about another... It's, like, kind of the... It's the same company, and, um, they're like, "Hey, can you do an audition?" And I said, "Sure." And so I did an audition, and I got this little part, and I, um, I took off last Friday, and I was on set. And I was paid, and that was cool 'cause I don't know if you know, but, like, sometimes you're not paid, especially when you're just a little lady like me just, like, getting her feet wet again. So I, here is how things evolved. And again, I'm gonna give you a reframe, but I'm also going to give you, um, I'm also just gonna remind you to trust the journey. And I, I used to hate it when people would tell me, like, "It's all about the journey, not the destination." And I'd be like, "Fuck you, I want the destination, okay? Like, shut up." Um, but it unfortunately and fortunately is about the journey. So before auditions, usually I would like get really in my head, and I would be so nervous, and I would be like, "Oh, what am I gonna do? What if they don't like me?" And like, "I need to be like the perfect version of myself so that like people think that I'm nice" and like that's a weird thing to think. Um, and that they just like like me, and then like maybe I'll get the job, you know? And which really like totally screwed me over clearly because I was just in my head all the time. So I did this little audition. It was like a little interview, and it was like a group interview, which is, if we're being honest, I hate that shit. I always hated that shit because I was just like, look, I know it's my podcast, and I can say what I want to, but like actors can be so I just don't like everybody. Oh, and I wanna tell you the reason why is like there's always somebody in the room trying to have the most attention, and that's just like, that will drive me insane to no end. Like somebody who like you can tell just like really needs it. I'm like, "Oh, man. Gross." So I do- I don't like that. So I was like, "F. I'm, you know, walking into this group thing. I'm not gonna like it, whatever." It was fine. It was great. I walked away. I was like confident. I felt good with like what I said. I didn't walk away being like... I didn't have any thoughts that I would've had 10 years ago or five years ago even or like even like probably three years ago. I didn't have any thoughts that I had those many years ago. I was just like, "Oh, right. This is kind of like, again, kinda like the podcast where I just say my thing. I am who I am. I'm grounded. I'm present. Like I- there's nothing else for me to do here." And then when I was on set, I was very confident. And when I tell you that this is coming from a person who would like, again, maybe be on set and just be nervous as shit and be like, "I don't know what I'm doing, and they're just gonna like find out that I don't know what I'm doing, and-" It's gonna be really, you know, like I just wasn't present or grounded in myself, and I did this thing and I was, like, very confident. And I have... I wouldn't say I don't have a reason to be, but, like, I know myself so well now that I... One, I know how I'm perceived. We've already talked about this, like, as a 5/1 in human design, like, I- I'm projected upon all the time. But, like, I understand how I'm perceived, and I understand what people are thinking even if they don't know that I understand that. And so I was, like, in a room, and I just didn't care. Like, I would've cared so much if these people liked me probably even a couple of years ago. I could not give two shits. Like, if you like me, that's great, and if you don't, like, I'm just here to do a job. I'm here to do a job, and that is what I'm gonna do. So The reframe I had that helped me move through this experience without being like, "What if this is like all the other times when you were nervous and you fakakted a thing?" Like, I guess fakakt is a word that I made up, I think. I don't know. I have not trademarked that. I don't know where it came from. I think I just use it, but maybe I heard it somewhere, so I'll give credit if I figure out who said that first, unless it was me. Anyway, I, I, um, did this little reframe with myself where I was like, "Look, my soul wants this experience. My soul wants this experience, and I'm going to be heart-led in this moment, and I'm going to take this job, and I'm gonna take this audition, and I'm gonna do it, and I'm gonna take the day off of work," because it was the Friday before Memorial Day weekend, and so it was, like, not a big deal. Um, "And I'm just gonna take this opportunity because my soul wants this experience." So I had a good time. It was kind of... Well, there are a couple of things. I won't go into detail, but they kinda irked me, but that's just my personality, I think. Um, but the whole reframe of, like, my soul wants this experience was really helpful in keeping me present. So I want you to think of, like, things that you're doing right now, things that you wanna try, experiences you wanna have, especially if some- if you're someone who tends to get in their head a lot, but you have, like, a dream on your heart, or you know that, like, you're meant for more, or you're meant to, like, do something big with your life. Whatever that looks like to you, whether that's, like, motherhood, or whether that's, like, running a marathon, or whether that is, you know, being an actor or starting a podcast. Um, whatever the thing is, I want you to think about reframing this as, this is an experience that my soul wants, and I'm going to honor my heart and my soul on this. Because I... There's this quote that's like, you know, "God puts these dreams in your heart," and I truly believe that, and I think it's for a multitude of reasons. I think it's actually for the journey, because your soul, like, goes through this whole growth period to actually get you to the goal, and, like, that is the journey that you're meant to be on. And, like, thank God, because I, I wouldn't be the person I was today if I actually hadn't had this goal of acting, right? Like, I wouldn't be as confident as I am right now just, like, having a convo on my podcast if, like, acting hadn't been one of my goals. So every little dream, every little thing that you have on your heart, remind yourself in the thick of it, like, "This is an experience that my soul wants. I'm never gonna be, like, not on time with it. I can trust the timing of it. I can trust that, like, I, I will get there just like me." Like, for example, I set down everything from that part of my life for three years, and Sorry, my throat is so dry in this, um, I c- maybe it's this weather, but in this episode. So excuse me if I've, like, coughed 10 times. Um, anyway, just remind yourself that, like, your soul wants this experience, um, even in the hard times, right? Like, part of going through hard shit is reminding yourself that, like, part of this is just the journey, and your soul is, is here to expand, and your heart and your mind are here on Earth to expand and have the full human experience. So when you are shaking in your boots about going into the audition room or shaking in your boots about, you know, asking that person out, or you're Because, like, your dream is to have a loving relationship, or you're, like, shaking in your boots 'cause you want to go to grad school or apply and do something different with your life Remember, like, if you have a dream in your heart, it's your soul and your heart's desire. That's the experience that you're meant to have. So along the way, the first time you do it, you're not gonna be perfect. Like, so sorry, my man. But, like, if you are, rock on. Huh. We love that. But it's not gonna be smooth all the time, and it's okay. It's okay, um, because you're gonna get there eventually. But the whole point of this is, like, you're here to expand. Your soul's on a journey. Your heart is on a journey. Your mind is on a journey, and you are allowed to just, like, have these wants and desires on your heart, and you're allowed to just, like, go after them. And one other thing I wanna touch on here is that I feel like as adults, we stop dreaming, and we stop wanting more for ourselves because we think that we can't have it, that we're too old. Or, like, someone... You know, it's like... Oh, there was a really good analogy I saw the other day. It's like when older women, like, start projecting onto you that, like, after you have a baby... Oh, I think I already said this. Like, after you have a baby, you're like, "Life is over, and you'll never have your body back." And you're just like, "Get ready 'cause it's gonna be the worst, um, but also the best at the same time." And you're like, "Okay. What?" Um, which may- I, I probably will understand that down the road truly. But it's like people will project onto you all the time about your goals and your dreams, and just remember that, like, that's part of the journey too, is, like, learning how to deal with people's projections but, like, moving forward anyway. And so my other request of you is to spend five minutes asking yourself what you want. Spend... Turn a timer on your phone and ask yourself what you want. And, like, it doesn't have to be anything crazy, you guys. It could literally just be like, "It would feel so nice to... I don't know. It would feel so nice if I started running again." I don't know. I'm just gonna give that example. Um, and, like, build on that, and, like, believe that you can have those things. And just remind yourself that, like, if you are listening to this episode, and you're in the middle of, like, something being, um- Something being difficult or feeling like you're just never gonna get there, this is your reminder that, like, the hard part is part of your journey too, and on the other side of that hard shit, you are gonna be so much more equipped for the thing that you're going after, right? Like, after this fertility journey and all the fuckery that we dealt with, with doctors even, like, I had this confidence of, like, going into a doctor's office and them being like, "Look, I... Like, this is what's important, this is what's important, this is what's important. This is what happened. I've been bamboozled by, you know, 24 other people. So, like, I'm not gonna put up with any bull- with any bullshit." Um, so it's like even that helps me walk into the audition room, the... Like, being on set and being like, "Look, like, I'm just here to do a job. Like, think whatever you're gonna think about me. Um, but I'm just here to have a good time. I'm here to be present. I'm here to be grounded. Um, and I'm here to have this experience that my soul is looking for." So That's what I've got for you today. Don't forget to dream a little, and don't forget to... That, like, y- the desires that you have on your heart are there for a reason. And even if you are starting with, like, shaky feet, shaky hands, whatever, shaky, shaky little cute soul that you are, it's okay. We all start somewhere. We all start with a shaking little soul, you know? We all start a little bit scared. Um, and we all get knocked down sometimes, but you are very capable. And I guess the last thing that I will say is that, um, this is actually something that I help people, I help people with, um, as a coach. I help you guys remember how to tap into your own authenticity, how to tap into who you are at y- at your core, how to tap back into your heart, how to tap back into feeling really good, how to tap back into feeling more at ease as you move through the hard stuff, how to expand your nervous system and teach yourself that it's safe to do something even when your nervous system is screaming that it's not, because you just haven't done it before. Um, so that is... I will wrap it up with that. That is the kind of, kind of work that I do, is helping you guys get to this, get to the other side of it, get to learning how to expand yourself where your soul and your heart are ex- are asking you to expand, and your central nervous system and your mind are like, "No, I'm scared." And it's just about connecting the two. It's just about connecting the two, helping you learn how to feel safe doing it, and helping you to do it even when you're scared. So if that's something that you're looking for, um, you can check me out in the show notes, and, um, I've got some good... I've got some little coaching packages going on right now. Um, and, uh, yeah, we can start working together so that you feel more grounded, you feel more authentic to yourself, you feel that when you walk into the room, you have the confidence to do the thing that you wanna do. And guys, like, this takes time, right? It takes time. So, um, don't think that it's just gonna happen overnight. But I can walk you through it. You're gonna be great. And, uh, yeah, I think that's all I have for you with, uh, with this episode. Don't forget to dream. Your soul wants these experiences. It is time. It's time to expand. All right, have a good one. Thank you for joining me on today's episode. If something resonated with you, then we are probably best friends. And friends rate, review, and share episodes. If you wanna stay connected, you can find me on Instagram at Mary Kate McDonald. That's Mary C-A-T-E McDonald. If you want more information on coaching or wanna keep connected in my weekly newsletter, you can find that in the show notes. Thanks again for joining me on today's episode. I'm looking forward to catching you in the next one, and just a reminder that it's not that serious, even when it is