Are We Losing Our Ability to Be Curious?

What if the answer isn't being more right—but becoming more curious? In this episode, we're talking about nuance, compassion, self-awareness, and why understanding yourself might be the key to understanding everyone else. 

I also think this episode is one of the rare times where a title phrased as a question could work really well:

"Are We Losing Our Ability to Be Curious?"

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Transcript

0:00

Hi, and welcome to It's Not That Serious, Even When It Is. I am your host, Mary McDonald. I am a coach and use human design as a tool to see my clients deeply and guide them to a more joy-led and embodied life. On this podcast, we will have deep conversations and some giggles because life can't be so serious all the time. Hello, and welcome to today's podcast episode. Okay, today I wanna talk about seeing all sides of the coin. I know, hmm, you guys aren't really good at this. And look, I'm not always good at it either, so I'm not here to be, like, a preaching lady about anything. But, like, I am finding lately that many of us are not very good at trying to understand other people and different perspectives. We love our own perspective, and rightfully so, 'cause, like, I'm very right a lot of the time. I'm kidding, But we're not really good at nuance. Um, but we love black and white. And I read this thing one time about, um, about humans, about how we like... It's like how our brains work. Our brains wanna put something in a box, and our brains want to be right. B- and our egos want us to be right, clearly, 'cause it feels good to be right. Um, and so, like, when we have rules around a thing and we can, like, put something in a box instead of finding nuance, we just... It makes us feel more comfortable. So, like, we're always trying to make ourselves feeling more comfortable by, like, putting other people in boxes. And I say this as a person who, um, I feel like I've been put into several different boxes. Like, depending on who you are and where we met, you might think I'm a totally different person than who I am on this podcast. I don't know. Um, and it's something that I've actually struggled with for a long time until, like, probably recently when I started this podcast, and I was like, "I actually... I don't know. I'm a person who's multifaceted with, um, depth, and, um, sometimes I'm a fun gal, and sometimes I'm a deep thoughts kinda lady, and sometimes I am a crying kind of person, and sometimes I am just a, gonna go in my hidey-hole kind of person, where I'm gonna just go read a book for three days and, like, say no words to anyone." So a- as a person who has been put in a box quite a bit, um, I'm not telling this fr- telling you t- this from, like, a wounded place of, like, "And people put me in a box, and, like, life was so hard, and I had to dig myself out of these boxes." It's like, no, but I just felt like that was annoying. And um, because I've, I've been told that I'm intimidating, which is weird. I don't know. If you know me, like, I, I... Clearly, I know myself, so I don't think I'm intimidating. And, like, I'm, like, a big weirdo, so, like, I don't find that to be true. Um, but or, like, people think that I'm, like, really serious. Um, like, I remember someone who's, like, one of my good friends now at... We met at work, and she was like, "Oh my God, I, I didn't know you were funny." And I was like, "Well, like, what am I doing? Walking... what's i- what am I supposed to do? Like, walk around the office being like, 'Jokes, jokes, jokes, jokes, jokes?'" Like, no, I'm at the office. And now if you know me at work, like, I am walking around, "Jokes, jokes, jokes." 'Cause, like I'm just super comfortable. Anyway, I think a lot of us are lacking some nuance in a lot of ways, and maybe this is controversial. Um, but we're lacking nuance, and we're lacking the ability to see, like, all sides of the coin. And I think that people are yearning for change on a collective level, and I don't think we get there by just, like, being the most controversial person out there. I don't. Sorry, I know. And, like, that's a popular thing right now, um, that I've noticed and I've observed. Like, people love to give a good hot take, whether... And, like, some people are serious about it, and then some people I can feel from them, they're just, like, wanting to be controversial because they like being the controversial one, and, like, to me, that's weird. Um, if you're... This is what I think. I'm gonna pause on that for a second. I think that if you have a hot take about something, um, everybody else decides if it's controversial. Like- I, I'm never sitting here being like, "I've got this controversial thought I'd like to share with the world." And maybe that is 'cause I just can s- meet people where they're at. I'm really good at that. Um, and I, I really try to be super understanding, especially when something triggers me. Like, if a person believes differently than me in something, and I'm like, "Ah," I, I really try to step back and go, "You know what? Like, we all have grew up with different e- different experiences. We all, um, have had different life experiences." Like, people are the way they are for a reason, and I don't think that everybody's just, like, walking around all willy-nilly, um, just being like, "I'm gonna be this way to be this way." Like, I don't know. That's weird. I don't think so. Um, so I wanna talk about just, like, taking a beat for nuance and taking a beat for, like, trying to understand people differently. And, and, you know, sometimes this is gonna be worth your energy, and sometimes it's not 'cause, like, I don't know. I just can't go down too far deep down this hole. Um, but I think that as humans, like, we owe it to each other to try to be more understanding. I just think that we're kinda shitty at that. Um, kinda shitty at that. Right now, if you notice people are on edge, and if you say, like, one thing that, like, they don't believe in or they don't agree with, they will fly off the handle. And I think it's getting us really fucking disconnected from who we actually are. And I will say... 'Cause I've done this too. Like I said, I've done this too, where, like, it'll be a political thing, and I used to be very on edge about a lot of political stuff. And I was in a space where that wasn't actually the case, and someone said something, and I, like, flew off the handle, and I, like, couldn't even believe myself, to be honest with you. And I was like, "Whoa. Down, girl." Like, that's not who we are. Yikes. We listen to people, and we have conversations, and we try to understand people, and, like, that's not who you are. What the hell is happening? Um, but my ego had, like, really gotten in. She gotten in there something fierce. And so that is what I- today's episode is gonna be about is, like, how can we... And I don't know that I have the answer to this. I just want you to think about it. I think the world would be a lot better if we could just, like, stop and think about this for a second. So every one of us on this planet had a different childhood. We had different parents. We had different, um- Friends, we had, uh, different projections put onto us. We had different expectations of us. Um, we had, um, you know, some of us had really great childhoods. Some people didn't have great childhoods. We had different, um... Things were different economically for, you know, everybody in the world. Um, culturally, things are different. Like, there are all these factors into, like, making us who we are, and I think we're missing out on the best parts of ourselves and the best parts of other people when we have our guard so far up because we're just, like, waiting for someone to disagree with us. Or like, people that, like, harbor a bunch of anger or harbor a bunch of just, like, angst or, like, not getting what they want y'all are about to blow up because somebody disagreed with you over something super minor. Um, and so I think that, like, the world could do a lot better if we could just, like, take a step back and try to understand each other. And I'm not asking for people to be perfect, but here is the thing. My mom used to say this to me, and I, I just... I think I... This must have gotten deep into my bones and deep into my blood because I, I really try to stand by this. Um, it's like, let's just say I went to the grocery store with my mom as a kid. I feel like this is probably the exact scenario that happened, and the cashier is, like, in a shitty mood and not very nice and/or, you know, whatever. Let's just pretend they were not very nice, 'cause I don't remember the exact situation. And my mom would walk out of the store, and she would just say, like, "You know what? We really never know what anybody's going through." And it's the truth. It's the truth, and I'm not saying that that... I'm not saying that that makes up for somebody being, like, shitty, but, like- I think that we don't stop to think that. We're just automatically like, "Oh, I'm gonna let this person who was in a bad mood put me in a bad mood. I'm gonna have a ripple effect," because we're just, like, all on edge trying to be like, "Ar," about something or, like, trying to be right about something. And we really don't allow space for nuance. It's so weird because the human experience is so nuanced. Um, not one of us are alike. So I think when I've seen things online r- lately where people are, like, trying to be controversial, it's just weird to me. And it's not because I'm, like, trying to be all around well-liked or anything like that. It's just that, like, it's the trying part of being controversial. Like, I'm trying to be controversial is, like, an odd idea to me because I'm trying to understand people on the deepest level possible, and isn't that, like, more interesting? I find it more interesting. I find people to be deeply interesting. It's probably why I'm in the coaching space, and it's probably why I work with all different types of people because I find everybody's story to be interesting. Like, we're all the way that we are for a reason, and I think that, like, so many of us are trying to put each other in a box, and it's just not going well. It's really not going well. And, like, this was where I was going with that thought of, like, I think it's just disconnecting us from, like, who we are and what we really want because we're so, we are so consumed with the idea of being right about something that we are disconnected from And, like, we wanna be right, and our egos wanna fight, and our egos just, like, wanna, you know, have the front-row seat to the conversation. But when we start only thinking about being right, um, we totally miss the other person. We totally miss the other person's experience. We totally miss out on learning something new, and it's disconnecting us from each other, and it's really disconnecting us from ourselves. So like I was saying, it's like When that person triggered me a long time ago and I like came, I came unhinged, it was like, whoa, I'm really disconnected with myself 'cause that's not actually who I am. So when we're out of alignment and we're in these like... And I'm not saying you can't have opinions and you can't like be angry about something or you can't be upset about something or you can't be irked about something, like that's only natural, it's going to happen. But I am saying that like maybe learn about yourself so that you can extend kindness and understanding to other people. Because the better we understand ourselves, the more we understand everyone around this, around us. And the more that like I think that we can recognize wounds in other people that maybe we have or we've moved through and we can just have a lot more compassion. Um And I think that can-- I think, like, it just comes full circle. Like, the better we know ourselves, the deeper we know ourselves, the more we can heal on our own, the more empathy and compassion we can have for other people who have yet to do that work. Instead of, "I wish they would, you know, heal themselves," or, "I wish they'd go to therapy," or, "I wish that they would, like, do the thing," we're like, full stop, you don't do any of that stuff until you decide to do it, and you're never gonna talk anybody into it anyway. So like, that's not part of their journey. They will arrive or they won't arrive at that thing, um, or they won't, you know? Um, so I, I have this feeling that, like, if we are to start really understanding ourselves on a deep level, we can actually-- that's like where the healing for the collective comes from, is like literally just starting with ourselves and understanding ourselves so deeply so that we can be so grounded and rooted in ourselves that, like, the triggers aren't as bad with people, and we can just see other people's wounds, and we actually know how to speak to those things. Like, not in a way of, "I'm gonna like call out your wound and be like, 'You're weak and stupid, and I wish you would learn this thing.'" Not like that, but like from a compassionate place, you know? So like, human design actually really helps me with this because I like started thinking like, "Oh man, I bet they're this type, and I bet that they have this wound." And I can honor that because I can understand that. Like I can-- the more I understand energy types and human design and just even some basics around that, I can kinda have a good guess of like the people around me and who they are and like I can guess a little bit at their shadows based on the way they're showing up. So I can actually have more compassion for them, and I can communicate with them a lot better. And that all comes from this curiosity of understanding myself on a deep level. Um So I guess I say all of this to say, like, yeah, learn your human design. Go to myhumandesign.com and, like, you can get your, your, um, your chart for free. But if you wanna learn it even more, I have a quick workshop called, uh, Human Design 101. I guess I'll put that in the show notes. I was not, I was not actually going to talk about that today. It's, like, super cheap, so you can check it out. And then, um, the third thing is coaching, and, um, that is one of the things that we do in coaching is just, like, helping you get grounded, so grounded in yourself that, like, I don't wanna say you're no longer triggered 'cause, like, some things are just gonna trigger you from time to time 'cause that's just life, okay? But you're so grounded in yourself and knowing yourso- self so well that, like, you actually feel safe enough to have compassion for someone, and you feel safe enough to get curious about the other person, and you feel safe enough to ask questions instead of, like, thinking so much about yourself and so much about being right. You stop being on the defensive, and you start being curious about other people. Ooh, that was good. Yeah, I think a lot of us are not I'm gonna expand on that. I think a lot of us actually don't feel safe enough in ourselves to actually get curious about other people and why they believe the way that they do or why they react the way that they do or just why they are the way that they are, um, because we're actually so scared that someone's gonna tell us we're wrong instead of, like, knowing ourselves so well and so deeply and so confidently that we actually can hold space for other people who have opposing views and opposing opinions. Um, and I just, man, I know I sound a little bit like the girl from Mean Girls who's like, "I wish we I don't even Like, what's it? She's "I just want us all to be friends or whatever," and, like, the guy's like, "She doesn't even go here." I know I probably sound a little bit like that, but I really think this is basic shit, and I really think that, like, the more you understand yourself, the more compassion you can actually have for others and actually just get really curious about other people instead of just really angry with them. Because- Again, a lot of us are online. We're on social media. We're having these clips thrown at us that are just, like, constantly trying to get us to have a reaction because it's just the way the algorithm works. And just, like, don't let the internet fool you, and don't let the algorithm fool you. You don't have to be controversial. I, I just... It's fucking silly. And what I think you sh- could be is actually more compassionate, and I think that you get to... When you're compassionate with yourself and you understand yourself really well, you no longer are afraid to get curious and have compassion for other people. Because I can tell you, I've been in the room with people who I definitely don't agree with on all fronts, and we have had really, really fascinating i- conversations. And I, I still don't always agree with everything, but, like, I understand them, and I understand why they believe the things that they believe. And I just think that we all need a healthy dose of curiosity instead of an unhealthy dose of not knowing ourselves, not being strong enough in ourselves that we can be calm and feel safe instead of feeling like we're on the defensive side of things at all, at all times because, like, our ego knows that we must be right, and if we're not right, then it's not safe. And if, if we're not in a room of people who constantly agree with us, then it's not safe. But that's just life. Like, we're g- always gonna be in a room of people who don't agree with us, and it's okay. But, like, if you don't understand yourself well enough to know that it's okay and to, like, really be grounded in that, then, like, you're really missing out on some cool people that you made some nasty assumptions about. Um, so I, I, I encourage you this week to, one, look up your human design. My dudes, if you've been listening to this podcast, do that for yourself. Um, learn about yourself. Do a deep dive on what that means to you. And learn about the other types because you're surrounded by all of them. Trust, trust in that. And, um, I would say the last thing I would challenge you to do this week is get curious about a person that maybe you don't agree with. Get curious about them. Ask them questions. Ask them questions. Try to understand them. You don't have to agree with them. You can walk away and be like, "I still think she's a dumb bitch." That's fucking fine. But, like- at least you asked. At least you opened yourself up enough to allow the space for someone else to tell their story and to tell a different perspective. Because I fear that if we don't do this, we are just going to, like, crumble as a collective. Um, and I just, man, I think this is really important. I feel like I'm gonna expand on this in another episode, but, like The idea that we have to get defensive about our own beliefs all the time is really scary, I guess, is a good way to put it. Um, because when you're on the defensive all the time, you're just not even allowing yourself a space for curiosity. And you might say to me like, "Well, they're not getting curious about me." Who... Okay. But like sometimes you gotta put on your big girl panties and get curious first. Get curious first. Sometimes it's not about you. Sometimes it's not about you. Sometimes it's just about getting to know other people. And again, you don't have to walk away from the ex- from the conversation liking the person. I definitely don't. Like there are definitely people who I'm like, "You're not my jam. I respect that you have different opinions from me, and I, I think I'm... I, I'm curious about that. Um, but you know, I, I don't wanna be best friends with you. Like I, I have really fun friends." I mean, if you wanna be friends then like, you know, be fun. But yeah, I think we're kind of in this really weird time where we actually just don't know ourselves very well and, um, you know, we don't understand, uh, we don't understand how to see people through a different lens than the only lens that we're given on social media or like in a meeting or, you know, whatever it is. Because I mean, we're just making assumptions all the time. Like okay, here's another example. And sorry to play into like we should be going into the office, you guys. But like there was this person that I used to correspond with, and I thought this person was like kinda bitchy. Okay? Just like the way that they wrote emails. I don't know. You know how you're just like, I probably do too many exclamation points. I'm kinda that girl, if you hadn't noticed. And I was in the break room with this person, and then we started talking about Italy and I was like, oh my God, like we have Italy in common. I love Italy. I don't know if I've said that already, but I love Italy. So like if you talk to me about Italy, I'm like, oh, well, we are now, we are, I... Like we have some- something in common. And I think that's the other thing is like when we get curious about a person, um, and we just start asking them questions about themselves and stop being so in our heads about ourselves and like how we're being perceived or like what people are gonna say to us and like thinking we have to be on the defensive all the time, it's like we stop trying to find things that we have in common with other people. I found Italy in common with this person, and I was like, "I love this." And now we have a relationship Uh, like a good working relationship. Not that we didn't have one before, but it was like I just thought this person was grumpy. Just my own just, like, reading into stuff, you know? So that's the other thing is, like, I bet you that if you got curious about somebody, you're gonna find something that you have in common with them, and, like, you're gonna be ta- able to talk about that thing, and it's actually gonna bring you some joy. So that is today's episode. Highly encourage learning more about yourself, doing a deeper dive on yourself, getting really, like, in touch with who you are so that you can stop being on the defensive, stop, like, feeling like you have to be controversial, um, and start, like, bridging the gap with the people around you, and start asking them questions about themselves, and start actually looking for things that maybe you have in common with them. Um, because the more we can understand each other, the better the world is. And that's it. That's all I got for you. All right. Have a good one. Thank you for joining me on today's episode. If something resonated with you, then we are probably best friends. And friends rate, review, and share episodes. If you wanna stay connected, you can find me on Instagram @marykatemcdonald. That's Mary, C-A-T-E, McDonald. If you want more information on coaching or wanna keep connected in my weekly newsletter, you can find that in the show notes. Thanks again for joining me on today's episode. I'm looking forward to catching you in the next one. And just a reminder that it's not that serious, even when it is